Symbolic of the ‘big-fat’ Indian wedding definition, celebrations and revelry at shaadis are larger than life. The buffet counter boasts of some exotic cuisines while auntyjis are busy flaunting their diamond necklaces and new bangles. Unclejis, on the other hand, cannot get enough of showering currencies on the dholwalas with insane dopamine levels. Needless to mention, the word ‘king size’ seems like the only befitting description of these OTT celebrations. A glimpse of which we got to see in Vipul Amrutlal Shah’s Namaste England, starring ‘India’s Most Wanted’ Arjun Kapoor and Parineeti Chopra.
Punjabis are born fun and funny. These extra loving species can never go without masti-shasti at their weddings. While I have witnessed many such first-hand, for those not fortunate enough, here are some scenarios you are bound to find at every Punjabi wedding.
#1 Groom, LOL, that’s a money plant bruh
Absolutely no cents paid to how much time and sentiment he invested in picking that dapper sherwani because the bridegroom is always decked up with noton ka haar even buried underneath at times.
#2 A boogie full of baaratis
Admit it or not, the poor groom cannot help but smile at the bunch of friends and relatives dancing in front of his ghodi like there is tomorrow is so upsetting. Like the chap cannot even join them and instead is kept waiting to see his gorgeous dulhaniya.
#3 The inaugural negotiations with the Saalis
What’s an Indian wedding with no saalis negotiating for the groom to enter the venue let alone with his shoes on! The dulha comes armed with his pack of negotiators though which usually comprises of uncles trying to convince the girl gang to settle for 5,000 instead of 50,000 – ek he j(z)ero ki baat hai ji…
#4 Never-ending note pherna aka nazar utarna
We may not leave a tip behind at a hotel or a valet parking but know that we are saving all those notes. Holding them between their lips, there is a long trail of currencies that is given to the dholwalas and by the time the baarat reaches the mandap, the man has been paid more than his compensation for the services. Buri nazar na lage ji…
#5 Chacha, Mama, Kaka, Baba all doing the infamous Naagin dance
The ultimate romance is brewing between chachajis and mamajis and the DJ. I mean, when did they learn that naagin hookstep? Oh, the handkerchief is out too. When at a Punjabi wedding, drunk is normal. Extra is where it is at! Chachiji and Mamiji are too busy comparing their jewellery sets anyway. Ki pharak penda hai?
#6 “Oye kitthe gayi sharaab di gaddi?”
Like stated earlier, drunk is normal. There will always be this group of guys frequently disappearing and re-appearing, each time with a smile broader than before glued to their faces. Yes, the ‘car-o-bar’ is to be blamed for it!
#7 The not-so-lonely Dulha
I have never been to a wedding in all my existence where a groom hasn’t waited for his bride. Like, it is this unspoken rule to follow. Meanwhile, the bichara is left alone because his friends are too busy with their shots and his saalis. The only ones keeping the dulha company are kids fighting over which Pokemon character they want to play.
#8 MasterChefs and Critics passing around their uninvited remarks like confetti
“Khaana toh dekho, hamari beti ki shaadi mein 5-5 mithaaiyan thi.” “Oh ho, dal toh matlab by god! Ye koi dal hondi hai?” Take a stroll around the buffet area and these sentences redundantly echo the premise. In-house shaadi judges and masterchefs handing out their invaluable opinion, like NBD seriously.
#9 “Dudho nahao, putto phalo”
Even before the suhaag-raat there are sanctions to bless the family with pota-poti, signed and sealed by Taijis, Biji, Taayajis of the house. Like get onto business quick son!
#10 “Bas, iske baad tera number hai”
If you are attending a wedding, consider it done. The Taijis and Auntyjis don’t waste a single second in moving onto the next candidate. Find a girl and torture her with statements like “Ab agla tera number hai.” “Kinni soni lag rahi hai, koi ladka dekha enne vaaste?”
Bet you screamed ‘totally’ as you moved on from one point to another! If not, I hope you finally have an insight into how you gotta prepare for a Punjabi wedding.
Catch Arjun and Parineeti’s stellar performance in Namaste England on ZEE5 now!